Navigating Life Post-Divorce Transformation

Speaker 1 0:00

Hi, I'm Shelly Maurer and I'm Cher Emrick. Welcome to Life.

Speaker 2 0:04

Lessons from Pickleball where we engage with pickleball players from around the world about life on and off the court.

Speaker 1 0:12

Thanks for joining us. Welcome everyone to Life Lessons from Pickleball. We're so happy you're with us and we are super happy to have with us today Michelle Heffron. Michelle, you are a certified life relationship and divorce coach, drawing on your own life experiences with divorce, career transitions, money issues and relationship dynamics in order to help others navigate through their own life transitions.

Speaker 2 0:41

And you believe we deserve so much more in life More joy, more happiness, more love. In fact, your mission is to empower women who are seeking more out of life by helping them discover who they are and what they're meant for.

Speaker 1 0:56

Thank you for that. And what in the world inspired? This mission?

Speaker 3 1:01

Wow, that's a really good question. Well, I went through a divorce a very, not fun one about 15 years ago, and in that process I was almost 50 years old at the time, so I knew that it was, you know, really a tough, challenging time. I had been a stay-at-home mom and when I went through this I did not fare very well. I ended up I didn't have a job. I didn't, I learned I didn't even have a credit card in my name and I didn't have a bank account, and I was really scared. My daughter was in college at the time, my son was going into middle school and I literally ended up having to reinvent my life.

Speaker 3 1:43

There was a couple really big lessons I learned through that. One was going through a divorce on your own, without any help or assistance, is a very, very difficult thing to do. And there are. I made so many mistakes, even though I thought I was doing so many things right. I hired the attorney, I had a therapist, but nobody really kind of, you know, kind of took me through the ropes on that a little bit and I didn't make sound, good decisions through that process.

Speaker 3 2:15

And then the other thing I think I, in reinventing a life, you know, I couldn't go back to the career I'd had before I. I'd been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years, but I wasn't about to be one of these people who just floundered around and was going to be a victim. But I was a victim for a really long time until I kind of pulled my head out of the sand and said you know what? I actually have the power to do this. And I didn't really understand that until I hired my first coach and it was a couple years into the divorce or after and I walked in and the very first thing I thought is this is what I'm meant to do. I'm meant to help other people in life. And I was like wow. But I will tell you, it was a journey to get there, because at the time I still, you know, I couldn't just put myself back into some coaching program and start my own business or anything like that.

Speaker 3 3:12

So, through some other things which I now call my golden thread of life, nice started to line up and it allowed me to eventually get my certifications, which was important to me, even though I had a lot of knowledge and wisdom. It allowed me also, this time, to come up through the ranks. I was in the nonprofit world for a while and worked with at-risk youth. I worked with domestic violence, support and prevention, and then eventually relationship, health, education, and in all those roles I was in a leadership position for the most part and I was raising money and I was starting to meet people out in the community. And that just sort of snowballed into where I knew I wanted to go.

Speaker 3 4:00

And during COVID, as so many of us did during COVID, you know, as so many of us did during COVID we realized that maybe this was the time to shift into something new and different. And I didn't do it right away. It took a lot because, you know, it was a little like standing at the edge of a cliff and jumping off and not knowing what was going to happen, and that's sort of like it is going through a divorce. Quite frankly, You're just sort of like, okay, let's see what happens here.

Speaker 3 4:28

And so from that I just kind of naturally fell into this role and I love this work. I love what I get to do every day in helping people sort of create the life that they desire and and I think of myself more of a transformational coach I can I don't really work on a problem or an issue typically, even though divorce is kind of one of those things, but I think that there has to be a real holistic change in people in order to come and become who they need to be through whatever their transition in life is and divorce, of course, is a really big one but empty nesters and career changes and, you know, parents being ill and sick, there's just so many things that kind of come up for us. And when we start to realize that we actually, you know, can control what our, or we can create our lives, that is, you know, part of that transformation that I help people through and I love it.

Speaker 1 5:37

That's true power when we recognize our own personal agency and have the right support around us. So people choose well when they choose you. I would have benefited from you so much. I've had two marriages, and that's how I refer to it Two marriages. Those were long, meaningful, important parts of my life. The divorces didn't last very long. The divorce, though, was super painful, especially the first one yeah, super painful and made a lot of choices that I regret now, but I could have used your insight, your guidance, and my transition and personal transformation was much slower than it would have been had I had someone like you in my corner.

Speaker 3 6:27

That's exactly how I felt when I realized that somebody could have helped me through that. I hear this all the time, but I just, I so wish that the value of this having that other person or somebody who's not your mom or your best friend, or you know a family member or somebody. It's just really that valuable thing. I was talking with a woman the other day and it's sort of like you don't know what you don't know and it's like you don't. You don't really know what your eyebrows look like right.

Speaker 3 7:01

So you can't look up and see them, and so there's a lot you might not be seeing. And in a divorce situation, I think that is a perfect time to think okay, what am I missing, what do I need to be doing differently, what's working, what's not? And who do I want to be? Who do I want to be through this Right?

Speaker 2 7:24

Yeah, and it's nice to have someone like. When you said your eyebrows, I was thinking you know, unless you have three daughters like me, who will make sure I know what my eyebrows look like, and they might be the ones that would give me advice. But it wouldn't be what I needed to hear, right? So it's nice, like you said, to have someone that's not your family member or a best friend or that you're close to, to have that other person that you can be open and honest and can hear you.

Speaker 3 7:51

Yeah, yeah, because you know, as you know, if you you know share, you've been through this. Sometimes you don't really like what you hear, because the legal system isn't necessarily fair, but it is like there are certain things that you can control and certain things you can't, and when you can start to let go of some of those things. But it's harder when you're not looking at the bigger picture, I think.

Speaker 1 8:18

Yeah.

Speaker 3 8:19

To let go.

Speaker 1 8:20

Yeah, I love your golden thread image.

Speaker 3 8:39

That is a beautiful image, would you say that there are common issues with your clients, though every single situation has its own nuances, for sure, and it's important for people to realize that. But I think that I see a combination oftentimes erupts at different times because when you're going through even the phases of grief, for instance, right, you hit these different benchmarks along the way, and so I do see that a lot. Even if you're the person who wants the divorce, yeah, or even both of them are mutually agreeable to it, there are, there is a loss, so there's a sadness that comes with it. Oftentimes there's a how could they do that to me kind of part of it a lot of the times. And if there's kids involved, there's this fierce mama bear kind of approach to things. Sometimes. That makes it really really challenging not to put the kids in the middle, and you know I always try to really encourage people to keep them central, but not in the middle of things. So those are some of the more common things, and I think that the other one is just the overall anxiety about what's going to happen.

Speaker 3 10:01

There's a lot of that, waking up at three in the morning and stewing over all these different things and thinking everything needs to be done now, and what if I lose this or what if that? And I always just encourage people to think about what's our next step. All we have to do is take the next step, because we cannot climb the entire mountain in this afternoon, right? And so it's like what's next? What's next? And I see this with women a lot.

Speaker 3 10:27

The other one thing is trying to just add this to the list of things to do, so on already busy schedules, right. We're already kind of overwhelmed, overgiving oftentimes and not taking care of ourselves as well as we might need to, and then throwing this on there as if it's just another thing to check off the list and wondering you know, why can't I get it all done? But the fact is is that when you're going through something as monumental as a divorce, you actually need to take a break from some of the other things and learn to say no to some things. And it might not. It might mean you know you can't be the cupcake mom at soccer, or you know, or. Or it might mean that you really you know you need to notify your, your work, of what's going on on, so they're aware that there's an issue here that needs to be sort of you know managed through, because we just sort of pretend it's happening but it's not happening, you know yeah in fact, that you say what I like about this.

Speaker 2 11:39

I think people tend to not want to say no, I can't do the cupcakes because you're feeling so guilty, guilty for your kids, guilty for oh so I have't do the cupcakes because you're feeling so guilty, Guilty for your kids, guilty for well. So I have to do the cupcakes, I have to do all this Right and so helping people get rid of that guilt, and that's a big one, because I see parents a lot of times overcompensate.

Speaker 3 11:59

I did this, so I was so guilty of this. I did this, I overcompensate on this stuff and it's not doing the kids any favors. It certainly isn't doing you any favors, so nobody's really winning through that.

Speaker 2 12:16

And it's not about points you know not like in pickleball.

Speaker 1 12:20

I know it's about points in pickleball, Although it's fun. I love that you just mentioned pickleball because before we started you were reflecting on some similarities of being on the court and being in relationship.

Embracing Self-Care and Personal Agency

Speaker 3 12:38

So talk a little bit about that played. But I was in Sun Valley once with some friends and the level of competition between this one couple was almost comical, because it just you know she was and they're a great couple, but the name calling, the huffing and the puffing and the you know do I have to do everything here to you know it just, and you guys have to learn how to keep score right. I mean there's sort of this passive, aggressive kind of ongoing thing and I see that in relationships a lot and just that overall lack of communication and and and understanding what each other's needs are and being able to communicate those clearly, um, you know, without people getting their feelings hurt and stomping off the court or you know. So I've seen a lot of that kind of thing happen in these dynamics on the court a lot of the time, and if they're playing in doubles, you know it's like some people just don't care.

Speaker 1 13:47

I mean yeah, and if in relationship, if winning is the goal at all cost, as can happen on the court. Winning is the goal at all costs.

Speaker 3 14:03

Both are destructive, I mean you know, it's very much so. I think in the case of relationships, if you're focused on winning something, again, there's just no winning, there is no winner there. It's really what are you gaining through this? You know, I like to help people set intentions based on what their needs are or their values are, and set an intention for what they want through this process, so they can at least have some sort of a North star to focus back on or, re course, correct, if you will.

Speaker 1 14:45

Yeah.

Speaker 3 14:46

And and really trying to help encourage people to understand what their wellbeing and their peace through this process is how you win, Because at the end of the day, it really isn't going to matter about what the other person thinks or feels or anything like that. It's it's. It's really has to come back to you. And that's really hard because as humans, we've been pretty much conditioned to always look to the outside where all the problems are, and so what we all know really at the end of the day is it's here our own self and that's why even my whole organization is getting to the heart is you know really who you are and getting to know you.

Speaker 1 15:32

I think when you know yourself better, you can play better a game of pickleball too right, you bet, and and looking for what I could be doing differently, instead of thinking oh, my partner should be doing something different. We're so quick to blame, aren't we?

Speaker 2 15:49

Or looking out and wishing that we could play like someone else or be like somebody else, and then being hard on ourself, and that's not the way, instead of knowing ourselves and knowing our ability and trying to strengthen ourselves from within, Having that general sense of appreciation for who we are Genius.

Speaker 3 16:08

Right and loving ourselves, yeah, and you know, really living into our unique awesomeness, right? We don't do that very often.

Speaker 1 16:25

I think particularly with women, and I don't know if that has borne out to be true in your practice, but I think very often we are raised to consider the other person's feelings without really knowing what we're feeling. And unless we know what we're feeling, we really don't have personal agency. We're just reacting and responding to other people.

Speaker 3 16:44

Right, I see that so much and more and more. I continue to become educated in other modalities and one of them I'm working on right now is called Calling in the One, and it's actually helping people call in love in their lives and love in their lives and, and in doing so, it's really about becoming aware and calling in you as you are and appreciating you. Because if we are over givers, for instance, people pleasers, we see that so much or we covertly try to control situations by I. I'm going to wait until this happens so I can say this, so that this doesn't explode over here. So you're always trying to, you know, tippy toe around things, but in, that's really kind of a form of control.

Speaker 1 17:38

Yes, and manipulation.

Speaker 3 17:40

Yes, and so starting to see your part in things, understanding what your role is in any situation, you can start to see where you actually have the agency to create your own outcomes for you, without attaching to the reaction or the responses of other people to the reaction or the responses of other people, and when we start to let go of having a need to please people, we can free up a lot of space in our capacity in life.

Speaker 1 18:14

Yes indeed, yes indeed, it's pretty deep stuff. I have to say it's deep stuff, it's very deep stuff and it's and it's the most important deep stuff. I have to say it's deep stuff, it's very deep stuff and it's the most important deep stuff. The more we know about ourselves and you do a thing you do self-care. You have the real focus on learning how to provide ourselves with self-care, so we're not demanding everyone around us to fill the void or to do what we could be doing for ourselves.

Speaker 3 18:47

Yes, and I think that we hear a lot about self-care, but sometimes we don't really fully understand what that means. You know, I'm all for a massage or a facial, right, because that's a really, really critical part of self-care. But self-care also is setting some boundaries for yourself, yes, and you know, really enforcing your boundaries, and that also entails sometimes people learning how to even create boundaries for themselves, and so there's that piece of it. That's huge self-care. And like getting back to our example earlier is like saying no sometimes that's self-care. And like getting back to our example earlier is like saying no sometimes that's self-care. Or saying yes to things that we might not have done before, to, you know, spice up our lives a little bit. That's self-care too, and so there's a lot of different forms of that, and that's why I do I put out my piece every Saturday about something that you could be doing for self-care, because I think we don't think about outside of the box self-care kinds of things, right, right.

Speaker 2 19:50

Right. That's how I look at pickleball. It's my self-care for sure.

Speaker 3 19:53

It's a brilliant way for that. I think it's such a great way to incorporate self-care into your life. I really do.

Empowering Vision Boards

Speaker 1 20:01

Yeah, I do too. And you mentioned Getting to the Heart, which is also your podcast, the name of your podcast which is so awesome. You have great conversations with people who are in the field or who have experiences that they can share, and in fact, that's how you introduced us to Terry Sitterman and to Dr Stormy.

Speaker 1 20:20

Hill who are authors of a book called In a Pickle for Pickleball Players and Relationships, and that was an awesome conversation that I just heard your most recent one from January 14th, and a wonderful conversation. How long have you been doing your podcast?

Speaker 3 20:40

Okay, so this is so cute. I started it a little over a year ago. I still have my own coach. I work with a coach. I believe in the power of coaching so much because I wouldn't do half the things I'm doing in my life without having that nudging from her. And she wanted me to do a podcast a couple of, two, three years ago and I said what am I going to say? And I and I and I said I have no idea what I'm doing. And she goes great, do it anyway.

Speaker 3 21:13

That's a good line. So I said, okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give this a whirl. So I kind of had a couple of slow starts and then I just went for it.

Speaker 3 21:26

And I have to say it's one of my favorite things to do each week is record my podcast. It's so fun. I know I'm going to have you two lovely ladies on in February sometime, but I just love you know, and I love thinking about what I'm going to be talking about. I love thinking about guests that'm going to be talking about. I love thinking about guests that are going to be coming on, so I have some great guests coming up over the course of the next few weeks too. So thanks for mentioning it. It turned out to be so much more fun than I ever thought it would be.

Speaker 1 21:56

That's what we experienced too. We started this when did?

Speaker 2 22:00

we start.

Speaker 1 22:02

Mid -year last year.

Speaker 2 22:03

Yeah.

Speaker 1 22:03

Really, yeah, people say how did it start? We don't know. It was just we were having so much fun and playing pickleball and just started thinking, gosh, it'd be fun to talk to other people who have life experiences that they take on the court or vice versa, and yeah, so we feel so lucky to talk to people like you who teach us things. We learn way more in this podcast than we ever thought we could.

Speaker 3 22:29

It's amazing what you can learn in just a short snippet of time, isn't it? Exactly, and.

Speaker 1 22:35

I know you have a vision board workshop coming up and Shelly and I were talking about. We've each had vision boards that were so meaningful, but we haven't done it in a long time. So tell us about the vision board workshop coming up.

Speaker 3 22:49

Thank you. This was just kind of this thing, that kind of hatched between me and my assistant, and I feel so strongly about them in so many ways. And so in a lot of the work I do, I have people create vision boards, and the reason one of the vision boards I did years ago and I didn't I think the first time I did one I was I had been doing some work with Jack Canfield I'm sure a lot of people know him Chicken soup for the soul, exactly, and he's quite a dynamic coach and I so I put one together and I put it in my closet and it was big. I thought, oh, I want to go big, you know. So I put this big giant um Eiffel tower on there because I had this dream of going to Paris and taking my kids, and so I I cut out a little snapshot and stuck me and my kids underneath the Eiffel tower.

Speaker 3 23:46

At the time I needed um $50,50,000 to take care of some debts, and this was several years ago. So I had a big $50,000 bill on there with my picture in the center of it and I had a thing you know to switch careers. I had been really, really, really wanting to. You know kind of what's next in life for me and a whole bunch of other things. But these were the big standouts and I will tell you that in 2019, on Christmas Day, I was in Paris with my kids.

Speaker 3 24:19

I have great, great pictures from it. I manifested that $50,000 almost to the dime. Oh my, how crazy is that. Oh, I got chills, yeah, really.

Speaker 3 24:30

Yeah, and a year later I had my new job and I was in a very high position and running a team, and that all then opened the door for me to become a coach. So I will tell you that these things work and I had mine in my closet. Then I one day I was walking into this big executive office and she had hers right on her wall in her office, all right. So I, I have mine, you know, right leaning on my bathtub, and I get to see it every morning and several times a day, and I I really think that these are important and and I think there's ways to do them that are helpful.

Speaker 3 25:12

And I think a lot of times people don't know where to start and this is just an idea for people to sort of get started, because it feels a little overwhelming, I think, to some people. And then I like the old cutout, the old fashioned cutout. My assistant likes to do what you can do on Pinterest and Canvas, so we're going to combine the two so people can figure out what works best for them, because I think that's the other piece that's very important. Like, my way may not be the only way, but I think the idea is to get started and get your creativity going and pull you out of your head a little bit and pull you down to your heart and kind of see what you really want, create a vision for your life, yeah.

Speaker 1 25:53

Which is so important, to know what we want, which is hard to do. It's sometimes really hard to know what we want. What do I really want? And the vision board just keeps you use the word intention early in the conversation and that's we set an intention. This is what I want to do today, or this is who I want to be in life, or this is what I want to do in life, and then that the vision board is just that energy vibrating at that level of intention that really helps manifestation.

Speaker 3 26:27

And on intention. I help people a lot with that intention, because intentions are not about what you don't want, which people often say well, I don't want this, we're not talking about what you don't want, we only want to talk about what you do want. And in that intention it really has to be in the affirmative and it really has to be powerful and you have to get really excited about what your intention is in life. And I think that is part of like creating some sort of a vision and then being able to pull the essence out of that and being okay to be vulnerable with it and really honest with yourself.

Speaker 1 27:05

Yeah, right, yes yeah.

Speaker 2 27:08

Yes and not putting any limits on it, not letting your thinking mind get in there and say, well, that's never possible. Like you could have said, I'll never get $50,000. How can that? To just go with your heart and put on the board what meaningful yeah.

Speaker 3 27:23

I always tell people that we're not talking about how anything's going to happen. Right Okay, that's not about the hows, it's about what do you want, what do you desire in your life?

Speaker 2 27:33

Right, right.

Speaker 3 27:33

What do you envision? Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 27:38

So, oh my gosh, this has been perfect. This has just been so lovely. So how can people find you?

Speaker 3 27:53

Yes, so my website is michelleheffroncom. My name is spelled with one L. That often throws people off, so it's M-I-C-H-E-L-E-H-E-F-F-R-O-Ncom. You can follow me on. I'm very big on LinkedIn dot com. You can follow me on. I'm very big on LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram.

Speaker 1 28:09

A bit we're getting better on that I've got my podcast getting to the heart.

Speaker 3 28:12

You can find me on all the major platforms and you know you can get my newsletter and my self care Saturdays and I'd love to have you subscribe to those.

Speaker 1 28:24

And you have a blog on your website.

Speaker 2 28:26

You're a really good writer. Thank you, really good writer.

Speaker 1 28:29

Yeah, you just are kind of the whole deal, thank, you.

Speaker 3 28:32

You're the whole deal, Michelle. I love that. Nobody's ever called me the whole deal before, but I'll take it.

Speaker 1 28:40

Well, thank you so much, Really appreciate you being on the show and thanks for sharing your story Very touching, very, very empowering, which is your mission.

Speaker 3 28:49

Thank you, thank you, and thank you for having me and thank you for just kind of doing the great work that you do. I think more awesome women need to do things that bring this light to the world, and I think it's just beautiful that you do this.

Speaker 1 29:12

Thank you. Thank you, it's our joy, isn't it? It is our joy. Well, thank you, and we want to say thank you to everybody. Thank you all for being a part of this show today, and we look forward to a new conversation next week.

Speaker 2 29:34

Bye bye.

Speaker 1 29:35

If you love our podcast. We'd be so grateful if you'd Bye-bye. Tap the follow button in the top right corner and on YouTube, click the subscribe button under any of the episodes. Thanks so much. Hope to see you on the court.